This is not only about my blog inactivity, though it will be addressed, but my current work issues, my general health, and my fears.
When I started this, it was primarily on my phone. It was fine for when I was at my house since wi-fi is readily available, however, at work our wi-fi doesn’t accept droids (like a certain Mos Eisley cantina that shall remain nameless. Worst place ever!), so my data took a sharp hit. I was spending more time blogging than working and my billable hours went down significantly making it harder to pay for higher and higher phone charges. I was using Tumblr as an escape from my motivational issues along with general therapy since I’ve now lost touch with my counselor since I haven’t been able to afford her. Eventually, my boss called me and told me to get my shit together or face unemployment which, for a junior programmer without a degree, gas stations and coffee houses and potentially my parents place again.
Anyone who knows me understands that they aren’t exactly the best for my well-being. The last time I talked to my mother was 2 months ago and she questioned why I was so unhappy (depressed isn’t a thing to her) since high school. When I broke it to her that I wasn’t happy back then, all she said was, “well, you hid it well.” It’s not like we didn’t talk. In fact, we were constantly talking, but only about her life, how she was scared my brother wasn’t living up to his potential, how my dad is a jackass (fun fact, though an alcoholic and in serious need of therapy, he is not the monster I grew up despising), or how her sisters were horrible and my grandfather loved her best (hint: he didn’t). She never once asked why I wasn’t going to class, why I played games instead of leaving the house, why the thought of spending a dinner listening to them act like a family made me cry.
I deleted my app and kept my blogging away from work. I’m still finding minor issues getting motivated since I’m just doing spreadsheets right now, but that’s all sorted. Once I feel like I can handle the responsibility of Tumblr again, I’ll be posting way more often.
As well, girl and I are now looking for apartments which is slightly terrifying since she’ll be the third person I’ve moved in with romantically, but the first that might be beneficial to my general well-being. She’s my best friend, so I’m a scared of losing that, but I know that if I keep being scared, I will lose her. Part of why I’m saving to get back to therapy again while saving for a future with her and looking at new tattoos and all the other shit I do in my life that’s far less important.
I’ve also started doing the stairs at work. 11 floors up and down, twice a day. I’ve felt better after since my runs have gone off the rails. I’m slowly getting my cardio back on a level where I don’t feel like a horrendous, wheezing mess.
That’s all for the world of me. See you all next year in Jerusalem at the Sexateria!